Back in 2017, I discovered that my marriage was over. It happened when I was crying over my newborn baby on her diaper changing station. My ex husband was laying on the bed, watching movies. He wasn’t working. I was going to take my daughter for a walk, hence we were getting ready and I was changing her.
We were fighting before, I was deeply depressed and stressed. My daughter was three months old, we were in a new country, with a thousand dollars left on our bank account. And my husband didn’t had a job. And he wasn’t looking.
It started off with him quitting his startup job, which was making him $1000/month. It could have been ok for Ukraine, where our rent was $400. But here our rent was $1600, not much, less than I’m paying right now. But it’s quite a lot with the new baby expenses and no one adding anything to the account. My husband decided to quit his startup job a week before I was due. We decided back then that it would make much more sense to find a job in Canada with benefits and standard 9–5kind of thing. I supported him and I had all the trust he could find a job in a new country. I worked in recruiting for a while already, I knew how to get his resume and how to get a job. It was easy, I thought.
So I went into labour with very little in savings, and unemployed husband in new country. We could make it, I believed. The bright future was well ahead of us. And with a baby coming up I was too busy to remember about how I almost left him a year ago, and most importantly why.
It was because I was unhappy and unheard, because we were living as roommates under same roof and had nothing in common. But the baby, pregnancy and move to the new country gave us things we cared in common. I was too happy and lived in a moment with a new life inside me to keep noticing that none of that previous problems went away.
Once when I was about five month pregnant, he even moved out for a few days. We fought over him not being able to even go to a freaking ballet I asked about for years. I booked the tickets, he was late and distant, and left in a middle of the night to his work after. I cried and told him to never come back. But I also changed my mind after two days of crying about being a single mom. You understand, things were rocky.
We moved together to Canada catching the last flight before I was allowed to fly and the baby was due. He quit his job a week before my daughter were born with the C section. A few days after having a major surgery I cleaned, cooked, nursed, and never slept, things started to heat up.
The biggest problem was his smoke breaks, he was going for hours. He would say it took him 40 minutes to get from the third floor to first one, and that he needed those breaks.
I kept asking him for help; but he said he didn’t hear when my daughter was crying at night. So I did all the night stuff, and day stuff too.
In one of our agreements we decided to share some household duties and he committed to clean a bathtub once a week. He never cleaned or cooked. That how pathetic things were, I considered him taking over a bath a progress.
I didn’t had anyone but him, feeling exhausted and scared all the time. I was deathly afraid of getting my daughter hurt or underfed. She was so fragile and I was first time mom. I loved her insanely. I was checking her breath every ten minutes and rocking her to sleep for hours. I was still cooking full three meal dinners since my ex didn’t cook at all.
The biggest entertainment was walks in the park and trips to Walmart, which was also stressful with only depleating bank account. My husband didn’t look for job.
First it was that he needed few-weeks-break from his last work. Then I don’t now what happened.
He just didn’t look, he didn’t write his resume, he didn’t apply to any jobs. It came a month, then two, then I was looking for shelters to go with my daughter in case we wouldn’t be able to pay rent.
I remember that feeling more than I would like to, when I was lying in bed watching my daughter sleep and going through lists of shelters. It was the most terrifying thing ever, to look at the most precious thing in the world and realize that I failed to support her. I failed as woman and a mother, by bringing a child in a world where I couldn’t take care of her. By failing so miserably and selecting a man who would do nothing to support us when we needed him the most.
I did not need him ever before. I made money, I was successful in my job, I had a career.
But came to a place when I was carrying a baby, and then giving birth to my angel daughter I couldn't go back to work. She was too little, I didn’t have anyone to ask for help, I asked my husband and he didn’t listen.
I asked and asked over and over when he would start looking. We needed a stroller and diapers, we needed so many things all the time. He would say tomorrow. Tomorrow he would start working on his resume; tomorrow he will continue, tomorrow he will start over, and tomorrow he will finish. When it was finished after a month he would stare in computer and say he was reviewing job descriptions. I would check and see he didn’t send any applications for a week. He said he read that new dads can get depression sometimes.
I was devasted, terrified and exhausted. But I kept asking for him to go and apply for a job. On our anniversary, the twelfth of October, my daughter was almost three months old. I checked emails and saw that he didn’t apply for any jobs in days. But by that time I had all numbers I needed, hot line for womens support; shelters and associations. I was just barely holding on of not crying every moment of the time. He never congratulated me on our anniversary, he didn’t say a thing all day while staying at home watching movies, while I was taking care of our daughter.
That’s when I knew there was no turning back.
A few days after the anniversary day, I was getting ready for going outside with my daughter. We were arguing once again and yelling at each other. I asked him to clean up the apartment while we would be outside.
He looked at me and laughing in my face, said, “yeah, you wish.”
That very moment I couldn’t hold it anymore. I said many words that I would regret saying in front of my newborn daughter. My tears wasn’t letting me see clearly, but I remember his smirking face as I yelled that I’d divorce him and I will leave. He was so sure it would never happen. Truth to be told, I probably should have left on that day. But I didn’t.
In the beginning of November he got a job, we could pay a rent, but should have counted every penny. My precious daughter was growing, she was a happy little tot, and I was crying myself to sleep every singe day. I loved her so much, but yet was always worried about our future.
I painted the picture during that time, with supplies bought in a dollar store. I wrote:
Focus on
Love
Health
Growth
Contribution
Success
… on a pretty rainbow.
And I did. I worked every hour and night I could on my staffing agency and earned some money. By March I was looking at new apartments and by may I signed a lease to my new place that would be only mine and my daughter’s own.
I remember how I moved furniture all by myself since I didn’t have money for movers. I didn’t had much anyway; but my ex husband didn’t lift a finger to help me. He would say I left him on the street, but I gave him two month notice. Not counting the one I gave in October. He didn’t think I was serious. He never thought I’d divorce him. He didn’t look for apartment till the last night. He thought I was joking.
After all, he did find a job, he said. What else do you need?
On the day I moved out I had a mattress delivered. I couldn’t afford the bed at the time. Just the mattress. So that’s how we slept for a month, together on a mattress on the floor, on our own very happy mattress.
I would find a job just two weeks after I moved out. I would have probably sent hundreds of applications in days. And on the day I got my first job offer, I jumped to the roof. My daughter was sleeping in our own bedroom, on our own mattress. She was almost one year old back then. There were no fighting or crying in our new place. We would still cry over a carrot or brushing teeth, but we would never cry over feeling desperate anymore.
We were in control then. We were happy and free.
And we still are.
Love,
Оля Д
