I’ve been a single mom for two and a half years. My daughter is two and a half. To add a flavor, we just moved to a new country, when I was 7,5 months pregnant. We didn’t have a family or relatives or too many good friends here at all.
Yet still, shortly after my daughter was born, I became an unofficially single mom. Then we moved out more than a year and a half ago, never regretted our decision for once.
So I know this stuff. I’ve been through it for the last two and a half years, almost with no emotional support at first and none financial support whatsoever.
But still last year was the best year of my life, which I’m forever grateful for. And I’ve decided to share few essential things, which might be useful for someone one day.
Disclaimer: No superpowers been necessary to succeed during the last few years. But few tactics were. It means you can do this too, if you want to, of course.
1. Get your shit together. No kidding.
You don’t have time to weep unless you came up with the magic 25th hour a day. Then you can. Other than that, welcome to the club, sister. You’ll be surprised you are not alone. Even more, you’ll be shocked to learn how much more single moms there are. With stories all so different, but yet the same.
You’ll be busy, you’ll have no time for yourself and most likely for the first few months on your own you’ll feel lost, and desperate and struggling to cope with your daily to-do list. Sometimes you’ll even have a hard time remembering reasons why you decided to become a single mom in the first place.
Yet there were reasons, for which you made your decision to leave. Either emotional and physical abuse, severe neglect or addictions, which you knew will harm your kid. In my case, it was emotional, although it doesn’t make too much difference after all. We’ve got to our tipping point, we made our decisions. Be proud and don’t ever go back. Too many broken lives proved the point to its core:
It’s better for a child to grow up with stable one parent, then with two in a constant situation of abuse and pain. Be the stable one.
2. Take care of yourself. Make sure that you sleep enough, eat as healthy as possible, go outside every day. Be a parent for yourself too.
You can’t take care of your kid if you are sick and depressed. And not sleeping, eating junk food and locking yourself in – is a proven method to get depressed. Trust me, I’ve tried it, It works like bad magic. Watch out!
Prioritize your basic well being, make sure you get as much sleep as possible in the first two to three months. Your body needs that to recover. For me, it meant giving up on breastfeeding when my daughter was 11 months old to get her to sleep through the night and going to bed with her at 8:30 pm every day. I also keep ongoing efforts on becoming as healthy as I can be.
3. Do your research.
I’m very lucky to live in Canada. And In my case, it meant to change my tax profile, so I’ll get child benefits, applying for the daycare assistance program, finding out what I can do to save some money. I never went for the welfare and I’m forever grateful for that. But at some point I did research shelter assistance and where are the centers for women in need. Even I didn’t go for it, it made me feel a bit better. I knew I had options. And in the darkest of times, when I didn’t Know If we’ll have a place to live in two weeks, it kept me sane.
My research skills helped me to find a daycare in a week when everyone promised me two-year waiting lists. And it helped me to secure our new apartment one month in advance before the move when everyone said it’s impossible to find housing without employment. Don’t give up easily.
4. Find a job as soon as possible.
This is one of the crucial parts, but you have to do 1–3 steps first. Then You have to go all in to secure your stable income to support yourself and your kids. I’ll write a separate thing on this one soon. But one principle that should get you started would be to treat your job search as if your survival depends on it. Most likely you can survive on welfare, but the job makes a whole lot of difference for a single parent. It will mean what foods you can buy for your baby, what toys she’ll have and what opportunities you will give her. It’s as if you needed any more motivation here.
So I’d insist you start as early as possible and give it your 200%. You can’t just apply to 3 jobs a day and wait for the magic to happen. It wouldn’t.
Just because of my persistence and crazy all-in approach I was able to find a job in the first month we moved out. Now, looking back I think it was almost a small miracle. I didn’t have enough money for a second month, so I didn’t Have a choice too. There is little luck when you don’t work like a madwoman. So I’d say it was a combination of both.
5. Get some support.
Did I mention I was on my own in a new country with little to no money and almost zero friends? To add to the picture, English isn’t my first language, although I learned it since school. But it’s still a long way from perfect and I had a bit of a self-esteem thing issue around language (among other million things wrong with my self-esteem).
I didn’t make mom’s circles or single moms club, nope. And I didn’t Even join the support group, which I think could have been a very good idea. I simply didn’t have the energy for that. But I went to see the psychologist half a year ago. And I must say, although it’s a very pricy business, it’s worth it. Talking through the situations I’ve been, felt like lifting tons of cement from my chest. And for the first time In a long time I’ve gotten so much more joy and peace In my life. Talking things through help.
Add one of the most adorable creatures in a world (aka your kid) and you’ve got your happiness recipe.
I hope this will help you to navigate through your new status as a single mom. I’ll be more than happy to answer your questions if you have them.
But most, I’d love to hear your story too. What helped you to survive your first single mom months?
